Yesterday, I was complaining to my friend and saying that I want to be bitter. But I can't...
My friend said that is not the difficult part. The hard part of the story is where you like to be bitter with people, but at the same time you want them to accept you and still want to hang out with you and like you.
So I shut up. I knew that she was telling the truth.
Yeah, sure, I can be bitter... but I have to be ready to lose or change my relationships.
Now the story is not that I want to be a bitter and grumpy for the sake of it. No. But when I'm not happy with something, or I don't like a behaviour, or I'm just not feeling very jolly, that's when I say nothing to supposedly respect the other person! But then I get upset. With myself. And with them, too!
Does this feel familiar to you? For example, you chose the "right" behaviour, but then you stay angry and upset for a long time?
But what's the right thing to do?
To remain in agony and ashamed of yourself, to be in a bad mood and also upset with another person you love (just because "you" chose a behaviour and reaction that was not your original choice of response); Or choose to react the way you wanted and upset or affect others? (now, they may just say nothing and disapprove of you, or they may be upset and angry for some time, or they may say something in response to your behaviour that you wouldn't want to hear or they might leave you altogether.) In any case, we may be left with our need of being liked, unanswered.
But wait! There is a better way. Just be careful, if you haven't used this way before, it can be a bit difficult to adapt it. But it is possible and it certainly is the main solution.
Behaving respectfully, decisively and with assertion! - This is the golden way. Now let's review the meaning of these 3 words together:
Respect means keeping the value of a person. It means to value people's dignity. It means that even if we don't agree with them, we value their existence, individuality and personality. Example: If our friend said something or behaved in a way that is not approved from our point of view, instead of scolding them and beating them with words (for example, calling them stupid or asshole or any "label"), we address the behaviour. We may say "I don't think what you said/this behaviour is nice; Because it makes others uncomfortable... because it hurts my feelings... because it affects the quality of our relationship in a negative way... because it goes against my (or everyone's) moral values."
Speaking decisively and behaving decisively means that you are aware of your rights and do not violate your rights in order to make others happy with you. Now what does this mean?
It means that you can still ask for what you want without hurting anyone. In order to be decisive, you don't need to threaten others, you don't need to shout and argue with others, and in general, someone who behaves decisively doesn't need to create fear.
In addition, if you are worried that your assertive behavior will cause others to hate you, I can assure you that this is not the case. Exactly the opposite. People would appreciate your confidence. Some may get upset and not like you. But this is not your problem. There are always people around us who are too sensitive.
To be decisive, it is good to know the following:
You have the right to have your own values, beliefs, opinions and emotions
You have the right not to explain or justify your actions to others
You have the right to tell others how you want to be treated
You have the right to speak your mind and say "no", "I don't know", "I don't understand", or even "I don't care" whenever you see fit.
You have the right to have some time to think about your opinion before you express it
You have the right to be wrong
You have the right to think about yourself and act for what you want
You have the right to be treated with respect
Courage can have both a positive charge, meaning bravery, and a negative charge, meaning arrogance. Of course, we want to address its positive meaning now.
Nelson Mandela has a famous quote that I love: Courage does not mean not being afraid. Courage means to be afraid, but do it anyway.
All of us, without exception, have fears, doubts, and sometimes question our abilities. And a person who has courage will do something to get to what they want in life.
How can courage be used in relationships? By considering the following and practicing them (or some of them) you can gradually become more courages in your actions and behaviours:
Don't be afraid to look stupid: people's opinions and judgments are relative. One person sees and admires your courage and bravery, another may say that it is a stupid thing to do. But what do YOU want?
The golden question is: Do you enjoy doing what you want to do? Does it bring joy to you?
Allow yourself to do your work. Don't wait for permission: In childhood, it was parents, guardians and teachers who gave us permission to do something. But you have grown up. The choice of the card is yours. So don't wait for permission to do things that concern you.
Start before you think you're ready: You don't have to be 100% ready for something to do it. No one who has ever taken a big step in life is 100% ready. You just need to be 70-80% ready. you do not believe? Go read the biographies of famous people.
Do what you think you can't do: it's good to make plans and think about your moves before you do them. It is great to have logic and reason. But sometimes our judgment about our abilities is not based on logic at all. Rather, it is formed based on the judgment and behaviour of those around us. How many percent of the things you want to do have you already tried to know if you can do it or not? Now think about how many times you wanted to do something in your life and someone around you said that you can't? And the last question: Is that person omniscient? No.
And the last word: until you try something, you can't really give a firm opinion.
Hang out with bold people: It is generally said that if you want to be successful, hang out with people who are better than you. Not people whose abilities are lower than yours. If you don't have enough courage, you won't get the necessary courage by hanging out with timid people or conservatives.
At first, you may be afraid of the possibly upsetting someone by saying your truth. But by practicing these three behavioural characteristics "respect, courage and decisiveness" little by little, both you and others will know where your boundaries are and they will be more attracted to you. (Some people, may move away from you; but this would be most probably in your favour.)
If you enjoyed this article, share it with your friends and write us your opinion below.
And if you were interested in being coached and work on your personal growth with me, you can book a free 30 minute session with me by clicking here.